A year ago, I left the comfort of family and friends in an attempt to find safety and sanity from an abusive relationship. It is very freeing to admit that I, a seemingly intelligent woman, do still make mistakes when it comes to many life choices including relationships (and relocating). What I have found, is that you can not run from pain, stress and anger. Nor will running make an abusive psychopath change their ways and be any less loony. They just have further to drive to stalk you (hell hath no fury like a damn crazy dude)!
Now that I find myself in a quiet neighborhood, surrounded by people who look nothing like me (which makes me feel like I I live in my own little bubble), I realize that I am no more safe or sane than I was living in West LA. I also find that running has taking a lot out of me, I am no longer me when I am constantly looking over my shoulder. This reality has made me feel simultaneously tired and energized - tired of running scarred and now I have the energy to fight back. I have begun and long and strenuous legal battle with the ex. It would be nice if at the end of my many visits to Family Court, that I will have a fully executed legal document that says 'Leave us the hell alone' (or whatever the legal equivalent of that statement is). However, I will be more than satisfied in knowing that I am no longer afraid and running and I am willing to stand up and fight for what matters most - the safety, security and happiness of my children.
TruthCircle Radio every Wednesday
Join yours truly every Wednesday on TruthCircle radio. The TruthCircle offers the opportunity to share stories and learn from one another. Join to discuss a variety of relationship topics.
Phone Number: 724-444-7444
Call ID: 51832
http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/51832
Every Wednesday: 5:30p Pacific/ 7:30p Central/ 8:30p Eastern
Phone Number: 724-444-7444
Call ID: 51832
http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/51832
Every Wednesday: 5:30p Pacific/ 7:30p Central/ 8:30p Eastern
Satisfied with 'Maybe Not'
I have been single, though dating for over a year now. After being in a 6+ year relationship, I find myself a little out of practice and have made several misteps along the way. I have made the assumption that people mean what they say and say what they mean and have better things to do with their time than to play games. This assumption, of course, has been proven wrong many times over.
In my early twenties, when I pondered whether or not I would find my 'Mr. Right' my answer was a resounding 'yes'. Late twenties, that answer shifted to a 'maybe'. Now that I am nearing my mid-thirties, I have come to accept the answer of 'maybe not'. It is not that I have given up hope, but rather have found that in accepting the possibility that there may not be a perfect match out there for me, I have been forced to look in the mirror and find the things that I love about myself and also things that I need to work on. Being satisfied with 'maybe not' has freed me from the intangible yet very real pressure of the need to be in a relationship. I know that many women and possibly men get so caught up in filling the position for a significant other, that we settle for someone who lacks the basic qualifications. I have been guilty of doing just that and exposing myself to unnessessary angst and drama, when I could have been happier and drama free with my Redbox dvd of the week. 'Maybe not' has allowed me to see all of the other things that are pleasurable in my life and brought to a head the fact that having a man in my life does not guarantee happiness. In turn, not having a man in my life does not guarantee unhappiness. If he, 'Mr. Right' does come into my life, it will be of his own accord and in his own time. I am not rushed or worried because ultimately he may be out there or... 'maybe not'.
In my early twenties, when I pondered whether or not I would find my 'Mr. Right' my answer was a resounding 'yes'. Late twenties, that answer shifted to a 'maybe'. Now that I am nearing my mid-thirties, I have come to accept the answer of 'maybe not'. It is not that I have given up hope, but rather have found that in accepting the possibility that there may not be a perfect match out there for me, I have been forced to look in the mirror and find the things that I love about myself and also things that I need to work on. Being satisfied with 'maybe not' has freed me from the intangible yet very real pressure of the need to be in a relationship. I know that many women and possibly men get so caught up in filling the position for a significant other, that we settle for someone who lacks the basic qualifications. I have been guilty of doing just that and exposing myself to unnessessary angst and drama, when I could have been happier and drama free with my Redbox dvd of the week. 'Maybe not' has allowed me to see all of the other things that are pleasurable in my life and brought to a head the fact that having a man in my life does not guarantee happiness. In turn, not having a man in my life does not guarantee unhappiness. If he, 'Mr. Right' does come into my life, it will be of his own accord and in his own time. I am not rushed or worried because ultimately he may be out there or... 'maybe not'.
TruthCircle Los Angeles
I recently hosted a TruthCircle event at Mecca Hair Studios in Los Angeles. To provide some background, the TruthCircle is designed to promote honest communication and offer the opportunity for women to share their stories and learn from others experiences. Ultimately, the goal is to identify alternative ways to address the HIV/AIDS epidemic and its effect on the population most vulnerable to it - women. Ideally a TruthCircle would take place with an all female audience, but the first TruthCircle Los Angeles was different to say the least. Firstly, it was coed with men outnumbering women. Secondly, because it was hosted at a local beauty salon and community hub, we actually had walk-in participants! Overall, it was an enlightening experience and offered the chance the hear answers to controversial TruthCircle questions such as "Are you sexually satisfied" and "Have you ever had sex when you did not want to?" from a man's perspective. Ladies, I must tell you these are questions that we should not only be answering ourselves but asking the men in our lives. The vast difference in the answers can be mind boggling. My key takeaways from the event are as follows:
1) As women, with our emotional and physiological vulnerabilities, we (when I say we I mean me too!) have to be more aware of the choices that we make and their potential outcomes
2) Men think very differently than women, especially when it comes to sex. Relying on a man to put our safety and feelings on any list of priorities is not likely in a casual dating situation and many times not even in what a woman would consider a "committed relationship"
3) We absolutely have to keep up the open and honest communications! I learned so much and look forward to the next opportunity to share! Have a TruthCircle with your girlfriends or visit http://www.truthaids.org/ to find a TruthCircle near you.
1) As women, with our emotional and physiological vulnerabilities, we (when I say we I mean me too!) have to be more aware of the choices that we make and their potential outcomes
2) Men think very differently than women, especially when it comes to sex. Relying on a man to put our safety and feelings on any list of priorities is not likely in a casual dating situation and many times not even in what a woman would consider a "committed relationship"
3) We absolutely have to keep up the open and honest communications! I learned so much and look forward to the next opportunity to share! Have a TruthCircle with your girlfriends or visit http://www.truthaids.org/ to find a TruthCircle near you.
Single and Sane
For the last several weeks I have been dating. I decided that I was tired of being alone and I started to date via an online service. Yes, I am putting my business out there but I went to the Net to find a man. I met many different types of men - handsome, not so handsome, working, educated, unemployed and a few variations in between. Though my mother was very distrustful of the venue I chose to use, I can honestly say that the men that I met via the internet were not much different than those that I have met on my own through the years. The difference this time around is that I am clear on what I want in a man and from a relationship. I know what my deal breakers are and what I bring to the table in turn. What I have discovered after several awkward dates is that being single is not so bad. It offers me the oportunity to continue to grow and allows certain comforts, like having a virtually distraction and drama free life. While I believe that one day soon the Clyde to my Bonnie will find his way to me (I just have this gut feeling that I shouldn't have to look too hard), for the time being I remain happily single and sane.
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