For I have Synned...

After two weeks of trying to get accustomed to my new twists I hit a wall. My hair was flat, dull and well... short. After wearing long extensions for many years, I had grown used to the look and feel of full tresses flowing down my back. I felt more confident with them and had already been questioned as to why I had removed them in the first place.

Though I had been welcomed into a warm and loving natural hair community like a long lost sister, here I was wanting to return to my wanton ways. Would I still be considered "natural" if I added extensions to my hair during this awkward time while allowing my natural hair to grow to a length I was comfortable with? Why was I going natural in the first place?

The latter question was the kicker. I realized that I was feeling obligated to a community of people to stay "true" when truly I was not happy at the hair stage I was in. This was a personal process and journey and I needed to make some adjustments and decisions for self. My compromise was that I would add extensions that most closely matched the curl pattern of my twists (in pic top twist is "my hair" while bottom is extension..). I would still be "happy to be nappy" but with the added benefit of length and body, albeit from a outside source. Through use of latch hook and individual braiding methods, I added synthetic extensions to my hair. All is again right with my hair world... at least for now.

In the Beginning

It began with a twist: Taking two separate partitions of freshly washed and deep conditioned hair, adding natural beeswax and twisting them together in a clockwise fashion.

As someone who had not chemically styled my hair in many years, the decision to go completely natural (no heat straightening) was not a question of if, but rather when. I have always admired people with dreadlocks - not so much for the style, but for the commitment it signified. I understood that going from twists or braids to fully formed locks, then maintaining them was a process. If done properly, there would also be a spiritual growth that accompanied this process.

I have been styling my own hair since my teen years. It seemed that I had a natural talent for it and used this skill to support myself during my late teens and early twenties while staying home to raise my young son. Therefore, the obvious choice was that I would continue to style my own hair as I began this natural hair journey. When I initially researched the steps and methods involved, there was little clear cut information, much less photos and videos available publicly as to how to begin. Now thanks to the popularity of natural hairstyles along with social outlets such as Blogger and YouTube, there is a wealth of information and suggestions for the natural hair newbie.

So on a day, not unlike today, I decided that it was time. I began to part my hair into 3/4 inch partitions and twist. My hair gladly complied, perhaps excited for the change. It took 2 days to complete the task. After which, I nearly undid the twists and went back to straight braided extensions. I did not know the woman in the mirror looking back at me but I stared at her for a very long time and decided that she was someone worth knowing...
and so the journey begins...

My Natural Hair Journey (The Disclaimer)

As you can see by the frequency of my previous blog posts, I am not one to regularly blog. However, in March of 2011 I began a journey to get to know the me behind the makeup, extensions and other facades. Though my first post that relates to this journey does not happen until a full 6 weeks into this venture, these entries are based upon personal journals and photographs that I maintained during this time. For the sake of being relate-able, I refer to these posts as part of my "natural hair journey", but I really believe that it goes much deeper than that. Many things have come into perspective during this time. I have had to face myself, my insecurities and my ideals in order to come up with a more clearly defined plan and focus for my life. One would not think that this reference has anything to do with hair, but I truly believe that as a black American woman, so much of our identity is tied to our hair. We are taught very early on the methods of assimilation to "mainstream" society. Going against that tide (that we are often times not even aware that we are swept up in) is a life changing experience. The natural hair movement is not so much about hair as it is about finding and redefining ourselves from within.

Flat Hair???

How could it be that my naturally kinky tresses do not have body? I thought that thickness and fullness of hair was a black woman's birthright and therefore the beast that we have been trying to tame via pressing comb, perms and flat irons?

The first couple of days after sister locking my hair I realized that I would have to come to terms with a couple of things or my natural journey would be over quickly: 1) The lack of hair extensions flowing down my back and 2) My flat, lusterless natural hair. The twists were neatly done in about 3/4 inch segments, the idea being that the more twists I have the fuller my hair will be. That is not what happened. My near shoulder length hair just hangs limply, teasing the back of my neck. Each time I look in the mirror I have to ask "Is this natural hair thing for me?".

To add insult to injury, a young woman who I only know in passing commented on my hair today. She said "Oh, you took out your extensions. Why? The looked so pretty". Now if I was not already feeling like I had a bed of limpness laying upon my head, I may have had a quick comeback. However, I too miss my extensions and the length and fullness they added to my hair. I did feel more feminine and "pretty" with them in. To all my fellow natural sisters I have to ask: Does adding extensions to my hair mean that I am no longer officially "natural"???

Names that Stick

Growing up, one never wanted to be called one of these three things: ugly, black or nappy headed. In our young minds these were synonymous... and they stuck like a blood stain to your clothes, skin and hair. Many women of color, myself included, have spent many a day attempting to avoid these names of our youth that still ring hurtful echoes in our ears. We have tried to perm them out of our hair, bleach them out of our skin, weave or extend them from our very scalps. I refer to these names in my spoken word piece "Ugly" as words that were "implanted into minds/ to be repeated to brothers and sisters/ so that as a people are left behind". It is an arduous task to take these names of our youth and find deeper meaning, and further, to be empowered by them.

At 34 years of age, I am still running from those names though slowing my pace just a bit. I am only now making that slow tentative turn to face all that I have feared - mostly, my own reflection.The natural hair movement goes a long way to helping women of color and diversity become comfortable with who we our naturally without trying to excel to some unrealistic and questionable symbol of beauty.

My Nappy Roots

In 2005 I was blessed to be a part of the "My Nappy Roots" film project as a contributing artist on the soundtrack. My Nappy Roots, the impetus for Chris Rock's "Good Hair" film, takes an educated look at the Hair-story of Black America. Not until I recently reconnected with the film's director Regina Kimbell, did I decide to take a closer look of the contemptuous relationship that I have with my own curly, kinked, nappy hair.

I have been chemical free since 2004 primarily due to consecutive pregnancies which left my hair resistant to chemicals. However, in that time I have kept my hair in synthetic extensions to add length, style and body while saving me tons of time and energy. I have self-styled my hair with lengths and textures of various sorts, focused on the "look" of the finished style versus the health of my natural hair. The latter has suffered the brunt of my negligence. I realize that at the heart of my resistance to locking my hair or wearing it without the benefits of extensions is that even with braided extensions, I have always wanted my hair to look tamed and dare I say "acceptable". The moment my edges would start to show signs of new growth I would immediately do a retouch, adding stress and strain to my already damaged hair.

March 2011 marks the start of my truly natural hair journey. It seems as if for the first time I am learning to become comfortable with having my natural mane on display. At the core of this journey and personal struggle is me getting acquainted and comfortable with My Nappy Roots.