Now That I Am Here

A year ago, I left the comfort of family and friends in an attempt to find safety and sanity from an abusive relationship. It is very freeing to admit that I, a seemingly intelligent woman, do still make mistakes when it comes to many life choices including relationships (and relocating). What I have found, is that you can not run from pain, stress and anger. Nor will running make an abusive psychopath change their ways and be any less loony. They just have further to drive to stalk you (hell hath no fury like a damn crazy dude)!

Now that I find myself in a quiet neighborhood, surrounded by people who look nothing like me (which makes me feel like I I live in my own little bubble), I realize that I am no more safe or sane than I was living in West LA. I also find that running has taking a lot out of me, I am no longer me when I am constantly looking over my shoulder. This reality has made me feel simultaneously tired and energized - tired of running scarred and now I have the energy to fight back. I have begun and long and strenuous legal battle with the ex. It would be nice if at the end of my many visits to Family Court, that I will have a fully executed legal document that says 'Leave us the hell alone' (or whatever the legal equivalent of that statement is). However, I will be more than satisfied in knowing that I am no longer afraid and running and I am willing to stand up and fight for what matters most - the safety, security and happiness of my children.

TruthCircle Radio every Wednesday

Join yours truly every Wednesday on TruthCircle radio. The TruthCircle offers the opportunity to share stories and learn from one another. Join to discuss a variety of relationship topics.

Phone Number: 724-444-7444

Call ID: 51832

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/51832

Every Wednesday: 5:30p Pacific/ 7:30p Central/ 8:30p Eastern

Satisfied with 'Maybe Not'

I have been single, though dating for over a year now. After being in a 6+ year relationship, I find myself a little out of practice and have made several misteps along the way. I have made the assumption that people mean what they say and say what they mean and have better things to do with their time than to play games. This assumption, of course, has been proven wrong many times over.

In my early twenties, when I pondered whether or not I would find my 'Mr. Right' my answer was a resounding 'yes'. Late twenties, that answer shifted to a 'maybe'. Now that I am nearing my mid-thirties, I have come to accept the answer of 'maybe not'. It is not that I have given up hope, but rather have found that in accepting the possibility that there may not be a perfect match out there for me, I have been forced to look in the mirror and find the things that I love about myself and also things that I need to work on. Being satisfied with 'maybe not' has freed me from the intangible yet very real pressure of the need to be in a relationship. I know that many women and possibly men get so caught up in filling the position for a significant other, that we settle for someone who lacks the basic qualifications. I have been guilty of doing just that and exposing myself to unnessessary angst and drama, when I could have been happier and drama free with my Redbox dvd of the week. 'Maybe not' has allowed me to see all of the other things that are pleasurable in my life and brought to a head the fact that having a man in my life does not guarantee happiness. In turn, not having a man in my life does not guarantee unhappiness. If he, 'Mr. Right' does come into my life, it will be of his own accord and in his own time. I am not rushed or worried because ultimately he may be out there or... 'maybe not'.

TruthCircle Los Angeles

I recently hosted a TruthCircle event at Mecca Hair Studios in Los Angeles. To provide some background, the TruthCircle is designed to promote honest communication and offer the opportunity for women to share their stories and learn from others experiences. Ultimately, the goal is to identify alternative ways to address the HIV/AIDS epidemic and its effect on the population most vulnerable to it - women. Ideally a TruthCircle would take place with an all female audience, but the first TruthCircle Los Angeles was different to say the least. Firstly, it was coed with men outnumbering women. Secondly, because it was hosted at a local beauty salon and community hub, we actually had walk-in participants! Overall, it was an enlightening experience and offered the chance the hear answers to controversial TruthCircle questions such as "Are you sexually satisfied" and "Have you ever had sex when you did not want to?" from a man's perspective. Ladies, I must tell you these are questions that we should not only be answering ourselves but asking the men in our lives. The vast difference in the answers can be mind boggling. My key takeaways from the event are as follows:
1) As women, with our emotional and physiological vulnerabilities, we (when I say we I mean me too!) have to be more aware of the choices that we make and their potential outcomes
2) Men think very differently than women, especially when it comes to sex. Relying on a man to put our safety and feelings on any list of priorities is not likely in a casual dating situation and many times not even in what a woman would consider a "committed relationship"
3) We absolutely have to keep up the open and honest communications! I learned so much and look forward to the next opportunity to share! Have a TruthCircle with your girlfriends or visit http://www.truthaids.org/ to find a TruthCircle near you.

Single and Sane

For the last several weeks I have been dating. I decided that I was tired of being alone and I started to date via an online service. Yes, I am putting my business out there but I went to the Net to find a man. I met many different types of men - handsome, not so handsome, working, educated, unemployed and a few variations in between. Though my mother was very distrustful of the venue I chose to use, I can honestly say that the men that I met via the internet were not much different than those that I have met on my own through the years. The difference this time around is that I am clear on what I want in a man and from a relationship. I know what my deal breakers are and what I bring to the table in turn. What I have discovered after several awkward dates is that being single is not so bad. It offers me the oportunity to continue to grow and allows certain comforts, like having a virtually distraction and drama free life. While I believe that one day soon the Clyde to my Bonnie will find his way to me (I just have this gut feeling that I shouldn't have to look too hard), for the time being I remain happily single and sane.

National Women and Girls HIV/AIDs Awareness Day - March 10th

I am a HIV negative female passionate about promoting HIV/AIDs awareness amongst my sistahs, whom unfortunately are contracting the virus in disproportionate numbers. KNOW your status and get tested. The following piece 'Scared' describes my own fear about being tested for the first time in over 6 years:


SCARED
I'm scared
Scared of needles
Scared of test results
Scared of sympathies heartfelt
Should the result come back positive
Scared because I know the life I've lived
I remember that everytime I slept with someone I got hurt
and everytime that I got hurt I slept with someone else
I remember when last names were optional
and lack of condoms was optimal because it 'felt better' to me
So yes I'm scared as I should be
But the cycle of ignorance,
of not knowing my status stops today
I can no longer rely on 'I feel okay'
Or 'I've never been with anyone that looked sick'
Because I know that even a quick pr$ck can change your life quick

I watched my best friend fade away
A slow and painful death that no one should have to face
I no longer want to live with uncertainty
Because my sisters and I are at risk and we are dying
because we are scared of demanding
that protection be used
or we're being abused to the point
where we feel we have no choice - no voice
to say 'I love and respect and value ME'
For that reason I act not out of fear
but out of necessity
My life depends on it
Your life depends on it
OUR future depends on US

Bundled Blanket Syndrome

I have recently been diagnosed with Bundled Blanket Syndrome. This very serious condition causes restlessness, sleepless nights and results in ones making poor dating decisions. Some of the obvious symptoms include purchases of extra bedding and body pillows. These materials are then used to form a human like shape to take up the other side of ones empty bed. Call me crazy if you will, but I think that this syndrome is affecting women across the globe in one variation or another (i.e. the unfolded laundry syndrome, the overread romance novel syndrome). A more pressing concern is the apparent lack of positive, proactive, sincere and caring partners to take up that empty space. Unfortunately there seems to be an abundance of men who prey upon women who suffer from this syndrome only to cause these same women to have a Bundled Blanket Syndrome relapse. I share this very personal condition as a warning. Bundled blankets do not pose the high risk to your physical and mental health that making decisions out of desperation do. Frankly, bundled blankets sometimes make the better companion.

A Change Gon' Come

I feel good today - renewed, revived, refreshed - the kind of feeling you can only get when all the scattered pieces of life fall into place and form a concise picture of where you are and should be. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a bit, but this year started off with lily as a hot mess - not knowing my up from down or my left from right. What I have realized in these last few days is that my biggest fear was being caught up in the undertow of loneliness that would pull me back in my former unpleasant relationship. I have been trying to force other people into a space that I really need time to fully accept and understand (besides, the square pegs and round holes thing is NOT working). For just a moment, I was not the responsible mother and career person who thoroughly thinks things through and responds with reason. I have acted spontaneously and carelessly and almost have whiplash from the necessary about face that I must do...and the year has just begun. I do believe that 2009 will be a year of great growth and awakening. I know now that this growth is not something that can be forced, but will happen in its own space in time. I only need be alert to notice when it does.

Living an Aligned Life

I once heard a speaker say that stress is the space between what your values are and how you spend your time. This is especially true when you have a job/career that does not align with your values. Working life takes up a huge percentage of our time and quite frankly in these hard economic times, to have a job is most peoples main goal. That being said, many of us have to find fulfillment in our non-working lives. Here is an excercise that can help hone in on what your values are: Write down the five most important things to you, then narrow that list down to three. How can you integrate these values into your daily lives? With the stresses of day to day life, it is easy to overlook our need for personal fulfillment, but I think we could all benefit from a life realignment every once in a while. My top three: Love/affection, Integrity, Courage.

A Moment to Reflect

Somewhere I lost a week of my life. Between Christmas shopping, wrapping and hiding gifts, visiting family and attempting to eat my body weight in stuffing - seven days passed by with barely a whisper. As I sit here, black-eyed peas simmering on the stove, I am taking a moment to reflect, not just on this past week but on the year as a whole. I have long since stopped making New Years resolutions, but cannot help but be hopeful that the new year will bring positive changes and opportunities. There is simply something rejuvinating in seeing one year pass into another. Let us take a moment to reflect on the lessons learned in 2008 and bring that wisdom with us as we reign in the new year. Happy New Year all - See you in 2009!