Reflect, Refocus, Rejuvinate

As always, the time before a new years arrival is one of reflection. It is a time for me to simply stop and take stock of where I am and plan to go. What have I accomplished or learned over the last year? What further steps can I take in the coming year to grow as a person and accomplish my goals? 2009 has been a year where I have learned that what I want is not always what I need and that patience is a virtue that I must continue to develop.

My wish for all of my BP family is that this New Year provides you with the opportunity to Reflect, Refocus and be Rejuvinated. Stay safe and blessed and T.O.S.E. (take one step everyday) towards your goals. HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! *Hugs and Kisses*

The twitter Experiment

My baby sis has been trying to convince me to utilize more of the social networking tools to help to promote myself and 'girl Child'. Admittedly, I am a slow study and felt like there would be nothing additional that a site like twitter (http://www.twitter.com/) could offer me. I have found that every once in a blue moon it is possible for me to be wrong ;)

Not only has twitter tripled my website hits in a matter of days, I have met and reconnected some really great folks! The positive energy and pace of twitter is contagious. The only downside is that you can get hooked to the point of being unproductive in other areas. The twitter connection is like plugging into the cerebral cortex of the world - streaming thoughts, ideas, inspirations and vulgarities. I absolutely love it!!! If I am missing in action, most likely I'm with my tweeps: www.twitter.com/mamamincense

The Baptism (A purging of negativity)

I have long since realized that I communicate better in written form, though even there I have a tendency to ramble on... thus the poet was born to simplify things. I have reached a point where I am tired of talking(er writing) about the same things and being in the same stagnant place. I must release the negativity that weighs down on my heart so that I can begin the healing process. Here is my purge - in poetic form:

The Baptism

You tried to drown me
In my own sweat and tears
And love and blood
Shed when I gave birth to them

You could no longer hurt me
because your love was false
and I knew that you knew that we were through
but when my back was turned you struck

Not me physically
but through them, our babies
you hurt me thoroughly
you heartless, gutless, soulless ghoul

Yet you call yourself a man
but I see through the mask you wear
with the hollowed darkened eyes
you, believing your own lies

but I have long stopped listening

My ears filled with the cries of children
yearning for a father that does not exist
every good deed done to cover three dirty ones
and now you want my consideration

Consider this

I live on
Move on
Stand tall
And above all
Still believe in the purity of love
You did not drown me
But rather bathed me in a knowledge
That I was lacking

Lessons learned

As you suffer the reward of your deeds
Take heed, that now we smile freely
Because without your presence
We are happy

Thank you

lily
author of girl Child (The Transition - In Poetic Form)
available at www.amazon.com

Revenge Cocktail

I am a fan of Sherri Shephard's new sitcom 'Sherri'. At this point, I have seen every episode at least once. I became a fan midseason and was endeared to the show because of one line of one episode. Just when Sherri's best friend is encouraging her to get back out into the swing of things and she is still focusing on her anger and her pain and wishing ill on her estranged husband, her friend says 'Revenge is like drinking a glass of poison and hoping that the other person gets sick'.

That line stuck with me and pops into my head every time I have a not so pleasant thought about my ex. The reality is that I have been sippin' on this revenge cocktail for almost 2 years and I am no better for it. In fact I am bitter for it and I'm sure that he could give a good hot damn about what I'm feeling. I keep hoping that either his conscience or lightening strikes him (not too picky which) and in the meantime days and weeks and years of my life are passing. I cannot blame him for the time that I am wasting dwelling on the past. Sure he hurt me and our children, but by focusing on that pain and not the healing process, I have given him a lasting control over my life.

Bottom line - he was an ASS. So the heck what!!! The question that I have to answer is: What am I going to do with the rest of my life? I'm still young, but time waits for no one. If I don't get off my butt and start living, then I will die of overconsumption of that revenge cocktail. For the record, I refuse to go out like THAT!

Stimulus Plan

Over the past two years I have come to realize that many of the things that I believed or assumed about people that I loved were untrue. In fact, I learned that a man that I trusted my heart, home and children with was an abusive, deceitful and crafty person who knew how to cause harm enough to change the landscape of our lives and yet leave no physical evidence. I now have a very hard time trusting people which goes directly against my natural instinct to be trusting and assume the best about people. Although I never thought it possible, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, which is a scary place to be.

I dislike the isolated and bitter person that I have become but at the same time have little faith in the goodness of my fellow man or woman or my ability to know the difference. If someone smiles and says hello to me, I wonder if they have an ulterior motive. A few days ago I experienced three different people, complete strangers, being kind to me and initially questioned it. The person that I am has been altered to the core and I want her back. I miss the 'Village' that I once had, where I was surrounded by kindred spirits and believed that those in my circle meant nothing but goodness towards one another. The person that I have become is sheltered and stunted but I don't know what the alternative is. I need a stimulus plan for my soul. How do you rejuvinate a bankrupt spirit?