Reflect, Refocus, Rejuvinate

As always, the time before a new years arrival is one of reflection. It is a time for me to simply stop and take stock of where I am and plan to go. What have I accomplished or learned over the last year? What further steps can I take in the coming year to grow as a person and accomplish my goals? 2009 has been a year where I have learned that what I want is not always what I need and that patience is a virtue that I must continue to develop.

My wish for all of my BP family is that this New Year provides you with the opportunity to Reflect, Refocus and be Rejuvinated. Stay safe and blessed and T.O.S.E. (take one step everyday) towards your goals. HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! *Hugs and Kisses*

The twitter Experiment

My baby sis has been trying to convince me to utilize more of the social networking tools to help to promote myself and 'girl Child'. Admittedly, I am a slow study and felt like there would be nothing additional that a site like twitter (http://www.twitter.com/) could offer me. I have found that every once in a blue moon it is possible for me to be wrong ;)

Not only has twitter tripled my website hits in a matter of days, I have met and reconnected some really great folks! The positive energy and pace of twitter is contagious. The only downside is that you can get hooked to the point of being unproductive in other areas. The twitter connection is like plugging into the cerebral cortex of the world - streaming thoughts, ideas, inspirations and vulgarities. I absolutely love it!!! If I am missing in action, most likely I'm with my tweeps: www.twitter.com/mamamincense

The Baptism (A purging of negativity)

I have long since realized that I communicate better in written form, though even there I have a tendency to ramble on... thus the poet was born to simplify things. I have reached a point where I am tired of talking(er writing) about the same things and being in the same stagnant place. I must release the negativity that weighs down on my heart so that I can begin the healing process. Here is my purge - in poetic form:

The Baptism

You tried to drown me
In my own sweat and tears
And love and blood
Shed when I gave birth to them

You could no longer hurt me
because your love was false
and I knew that you knew that we were through
but when my back was turned you struck

Not me physically
but through them, our babies
you hurt me thoroughly
you heartless, gutless, soulless ghoul

Yet you call yourself a man
but I see through the mask you wear
with the hollowed darkened eyes
you, believing your own lies

but I have long stopped listening

My ears filled with the cries of children
yearning for a father that does not exist
every good deed done to cover three dirty ones
and now you want my consideration

Consider this

I live on
Move on
Stand tall
And above all
Still believe in the purity of love
You did not drown me
But rather bathed me in a knowledge
That I was lacking

Lessons learned

As you suffer the reward of your deeds
Take heed, that now we smile freely
Because without your presence
We are happy

Thank you

lily
author of girl Child (The Transition - In Poetic Form)
available at www.amazon.com

Revenge Cocktail

I am a fan of Sherri Shephard's new sitcom 'Sherri'. At this point, I have seen every episode at least once. I became a fan midseason and was endeared to the show because of one line of one episode. Just when Sherri's best friend is encouraging her to get back out into the swing of things and she is still focusing on her anger and her pain and wishing ill on her estranged husband, her friend says 'Revenge is like drinking a glass of poison and hoping that the other person gets sick'.

That line stuck with me and pops into my head every time I have a not so pleasant thought about my ex. The reality is that I have been sippin' on this revenge cocktail for almost 2 years and I am no better for it. In fact I am bitter for it and I'm sure that he could give a good hot damn about what I'm feeling. I keep hoping that either his conscience or lightening strikes him (not too picky which) and in the meantime days and weeks and years of my life are passing. I cannot blame him for the time that I am wasting dwelling on the past. Sure he hurt me and our children, but by focusing on that pain and not the healing process, I have given him a lasting control over my life.

Bottom line - he was an ASS. So the heck what!!! The question that I have to answer is: What am I going to do with the rest of my life? I'm still young, but time waits for no one. If I don't get off my butt and start living, then I will die of overconsumption of that revenge cocktail. For the record, I refuse to go out like THAT!

Stimulus Plan

Over the past two years I have come to realize that many of the things that I believed or assumed about people that I loved were untrue. In fact, I learned that a man that I trusted my heart, home and children with was an abusive, deceitful and crafty person who knew how to cause harm enough to change the landscape of our lives and yet leave no physical evidence. I now have a very hard time trusting people which goes directly against my natural instinct to be trusting and assume the best about people. Although I never thought it possible, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, which is a scary place to be.

I dislike the isolated and bitter person that I have become but at the same time have little faith in the goodness of my fellow man or woman or my ability to know the difference. If someone smiles and says hello to me, I wonder if they have an ulterior motive. A few days ago I experienced three different people, complete strangers, being kind to me and initially questioned it. The person that I am has been altered to the core and I want her back. I miss the 'Village' that I once had, where I was surrounded by kindred spirits and believed that those in my circle meant nothing but goodness towards one another. The person that I have become is sheltered and stunted but I don't know what the alternative is. I need a stimulus plan for my soul. How do you rejuvinate a bankrupt spirit?

Now That I Am Here

A year ago, I left the comfort of family and friends in an attempt to find safety and sanity from an abusive relationship. It is very freeing to admit that I, a seemingly intelligent woman, do still make mistakes when it comes to many life choices including relationships (and relocating). What I have found, is that you can not run from pain, stress and anger. Nor will running make an abusive psychopath change their ways and be any less loony. They just have further to drive to stalk you (hell hath no fury like a damn crazy dude)!

Now that I find myself in a quiet neighborhood, surrounded by people who look nothing like me (which makes me feel like I I live in my own little bubble), I realize that I am no more safe or sane than I was living in West LA. I also find that running has taking a lot out of me, I am no longer me when I am constantly looking over my shoulder. This reality has made me feel simultaneously tired and energized - tired of running scarred and now I have the energy to fight back. I have begun and long and strenuous legal battle with the ex. It would be nice if at the end of my many visits to Family Court, that I will have a fully executed legal document that says 'Leave us the hell alone' (or whatever the legal equivalent of that statement is). However, I will be more than satisfied in knowing that I am no longer afraid and running and I am willing to stand up and fight for what matters most - the safety, security and happiness of my children.

TruthCircle Radio every Wednesday

Join yours truly every Wednesday on TruthCircle radio. The TruthCircle offers the opportunity to share stories and learn from one another. Join to discuss a variety of relationship topics.

Phone Number: 724-444-7444

Call ID: 51832

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/51832

Every Wednesday: 5:30p Pacific/ 7:30p Central/ 8:30p Eastern

Satisfied with 'Maybe Not'

I have been single, though dating for over a year now. After being in a 6+ year relationship, I find myself a little out of practice and have made several misteps along the way. I have made the assumption that people mean what they say and say what they mean and have better things to do with their time than to play games. This assumption, of course, has been proven wrong many times over.

In my early twenties, when I pondered whether or not I would find my 'Mr. Right' my answer was a resounding 'yes'. Late twenties, that answer shifted to a 'maybe'. Now that I am nearing my mid-thirties, I have come to accept the answer of 'maybe not'. It is not that I have given up hope, but rather have found that in accepting the possibility that there may not be a perfect match out there for me, I have been forced to look in the mirror and find the things that I love about myself and also things that I need to work on. Being satisfied with 'maybe not' has freed me from the intangible yet very real pressure of the need to be in a relationship. I know that many women and possibly men get so caught up in filling the position for a significant other, that we settle for someone who lacks the basic qualifications. I have been guilty of doing just that and exposing myself to unnessessary angst and drama, when I could have been happier and drama free with my Redbox dvd of the week. 'Maybe not' has allowed me to see all of the other things that are pleasurable in my life and brought to a head the fact that having a man in my life does not guarantee happiness. In turn, not having a man in my life does not guarantee unhappiness. If he, 'Mr. Right' does come into my life, it will be of his own accord and in his own time. I am not rushed or worried because ultimately he may be out there or... 'maybe not'.

TruthCircle Los Angeles

I recently hosted a TruthCircle event at Mecca Hair Studios in Los Angeles. To provide some background, the TruthCircle is designed to promote honest communication and offer the opportunity for women to share their stories and learn from others experiences. Ultimately, the goal is to identify alternative ways to address the HIV/AIDS epidemic and its effect on the population most vulnerable to it - women. Ideally a TruthCircle would take place with an all female audience, but the first TruthCircle Los Angeles was different to say the least. Firstly, it was coed with men outnumbering women. Secondly, because it was hosted at a local beauty salon and community hub, we actually had walk-in participants! Overall, it was an enlightening experience and offered the chance the hear answers to controversial TruthCircle questions such as "Are you sexually satisfied" and "Have you ever had sex when you did not want to?" from a man's perspective. Ladies, I must tell you these are questions that we should not only be answering ourselves but asking the men in our lives. The vast difference in the answers can be mind boggling. My key takeaways from the event are as follows:
1) As women, with our emotional and physiological vulnerabilities, we (when I say we I mean me too!) have to be more aware of the choices that we make and their potential outcomes
2) Men think very differently than women, especially when it comes to sex. Relying on a man to put our safety and feelings on any list of priorities is not likely in a casual dating situation and many times not even in what a woman would consider a "committed relationship"
3) We absolutely have to keep up the open and honest communications! I learned so much and look forward to the next opportunity to share! Have a TruthCircle with your girlfriends or visit http://www.truthaids.org/ to find a TruthCircle near you.

Single and Sane

For the last several weeks I have been dating. I decided that I was tired of being alone and I started to date via an online service. Yes, I am putting my business out there but I went to the Net to find a man. I met many different types of men - handsome, not so handsome, working, educated, unemployed and a few variations in between. Though my mother was very distrustful of the venue I chose to use, I can honestly say that the men that I met via the internet were not much different than those that I have met on my own through the years. The difference this time around is that I am clear on what I want in a man and from a relationship. I know what my deal breakers are and what I bring to the table in turn. What I have discovered after several awkward dates is that being single is not so bad. It offers me the oportunity to continue to grow and allows certain comforts, like having a virtually distraction and drama free life. While I believe that one day soon the Clyde to my Bonnie will find his way to me (I just have this gut feeling that I shouldn't have to look too hard), for the time being I remain happily single and sane.

National Women and Girls HIV/AIDs Awareness Day - March 10th

I am a HIV negative female passionate about promoting HIV/AIDs awareness amongst my sistahs, whom unfortunately are contracting the virus in disproportionate numbers. KNOW your status and get tested. The following piece 'Scared' describes my own fear about being tested for the first time in over 6 years:


SCARED
I'm scared
Scared of needles
Scared of test results
Scared of sympathies heartfelt
Should the result come back positive
Scared because I know the life I've lived
I remember that everytime I slept with someone I got hurt
and everytime that I got hurt I slept with someone else
I remember when last names were optional
and lack of condoms was optimal because it 'felt better' to me
So yes I'm scared as I should be
But the cycle of ignorance,
of not knowing my status stops today
I can no longer rely on 'I feel okay'
Or 'I've never been with anyone that looked sick'
Because I know that even a quick pr$ck can change your life quick

I watched my best friend fade away
A slow and painful death that no one should have to face
I no longer want to live with uncertainty
Because my sisters and I are at risk and we are dying
because we are scared of demanding
that protection be used
or we're being abused to the point
where we feel we have no choice - no voice
to say 'I love and respect and value ME'
For that reason I act not out of fear
but out of necessity
My life depends on it
Your life depends on it
OUR future depends on US

Bundled Blanket Syndrome

I have recently been diagnosed with Bundled Blanket Syndrome. This very serious condition causes restlessness, sleepless nights and results in ones making poor dating decisions. Some of the obvious symptoms include purchases of extra bedding and body pillows. These materials are then used to form a human like shape to take up the other side of ones empty bed. Call me crazy if you will, but I think that this syndrome is affecting women across the globe in one variation or another (i.e. the unfolded laundry syndrome, the overread romance novel syndrome). A more pressing concern is the apparent lack of positive, proactive, sincere and caring partners to take up that empty space. Unfortunately there seems to be an abundance of men who prey upon women who suffer from this syndrome only to cause these same women to have a Bundled Blanket Syndrome relapse. I share this very personal condition as a warning. Bundled blankets do not pose the high risk to your physical and mental health that making decisions out of desperation do. Frankly, bundled blankets sometimes make the better companion.

A Change Gon' Come

I feel good today - renewed, revived, refreshed - the kind of feeling you can only get when all the scattered pieces of life fall into place and form a concise picture of where you are and should be. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a bit, but this year started off with lily as a hot mess - not knowing my up from down or my left from right. What I have realized in these last few days is that my biggest fear was being caught up in the undertow of loneliness that would pull me back in my former unpleasant relationship. I have been trying to force other people into a space that I really need time to fully accept and understand (besides, the square pegs and round holes thing is NOT working). For just a moment, I was not the responsible mother and career person who thoroughly thinks things through and responds with reason. I have acted spontaneously and carelessly and almost have whiplash from the necessary about face that I must do...and the year has just begun. I do believe that 2009 will be a year of great growth and awakening. I know now that this growth is not something that can be forced, but will happen in its own space in time. I only need be alert to notice when it does.

Living an Aligned Life

I once heard a speaker say that stress is the space between what your values are and how you spend your time. This is especially true when you have a job/career that does not align with your values. Working life takes up a huge percentage of our time and quite frankly in these hard economic times, to have a job is most peoples main goal. That being said, many of us have to find fulfillment in our non-working lives. Here is an excercise that can help hone in on what your values are: Write down the five most important things to you, then narrow that list down to three. How can you integrate these values into your daily lives? With the stresses of day to day life, it is easy to overlook our need for personal fulfillment, but I think we could all benefit from a life realignment every once in a while. My top three: Love/affection, Integrity, Courage.

A Moment to Reflect

Somewhere I lost a week of my life. Between Christmas shopping, wrapping and hiding gifts, visiting family and attempting to eat my body weight in stuffing - seven days passed by with barely a whisper. As I sit here, black-eyed peas simmering on the stove, I am taking a moment to reflect, not just on this past week but on the year as a whole. I have long since stopped making New Years resolutions, but cannot help but be hopeful that the new year will bring positive changes and opportunities. There is simply something rejuvinating in seeing one year pass into another. Let us take a moment to reflect on the lessons learned in 2008 and bring that wisdom with us as we reign in the new year. Happy New Year all - See you in 2009!

Scared Single

I have been single for several months now and while it has its benefits, I do have my quiet moments where like Erykah Badu says "I want somebody to walk up behind me and kiss me on my neck". There is something so simple yet intimate about that one act that I daydream about it. The problem is that I want more than the kiss on the neck. I want the man to hold me an make me feel secure and protected. The one who "gets me" and my quirks and wants to do more than just "hang out". In many ways I feel like I am a novice in this new world of singles. Times have changed from when I was younger and more cavalier about who I dated. I have three children now. This means that I do not have a lot of free time, and the time that I do have I value like priceless gems. In a way this puts me in a better position to determine what kinds of things I desire and will accept. At the same time, I feel like I have set the bar so high that I have effectively enclosed myself in a box with high walls. This week instead of giving advice I have a question: Is it possible to date and have positive interactions without comprimising who you are? Oh and, is it really so bad to run a background check on someone once you know there first and last name?

Live Each Day Like its Quittin' Time on a Payday

It is not always easy to do, but sometimes you have to take a moment to reflect on those small things or moments that bring you joy. Taking one minute out of your day to do this can be an instant mood booster and may go a long way towards your mental well-being. For me, that moment is quitting time on payday, especially when my rent is already paid. That is one of the many happy thoughts that I revert to when the sh*t is hitting the fan. What is that moment or place for you? Make a list and refer to it when you need a pick me up.

You Can't Stultify Me!

Okay, so I just learned a new word while playing Word Coach on my DS. Stultify: To prevent something or someone from developing into the best possible state. My thought of the week is simple - whether it be a job, a friend or a lover, do not allow anyone to hinder you from being the best you possible. At the end of the day, the only constant in life we have is that man or woman in the mirror. We owe it to ourselves to at least try to grow. Sometimes simply being in a certain environment or around certain people can be stultifying. In those instances it is necessary not only to think outside the box but to kick the walls of the box down and open up to new possibilities.

Giving Thanks

I cooked this Thanksgiving as I have for the last couple of years. It is now a requisite that I provide a delicious gluttonous meal for my children and the family members that choose to stop by since my grandmother only cooks for Christmas these days. Each year I think I get better and more comfortable in my role of Thanksgiving Chef. Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays as it is not a pagan/christian hybrid holiday as many others are (i.e. Easter and Christmas). There is no mythical character to explain in association with God so I don't have to teeter in the uncomfortable place between lying to my babies and crushing their imagination. Thanksgivings parameters are simple, give thanks and stuff your face. This year I don't have a long list of things that I am thankful for. This has been a long and trying year and there have been times where I was not sure I would be able to withstand the meteor shower of hard times. I am thankful that my children and I have made it through the worst of it and are on the road to recovery and for the simplicity of Thanksgiving.

Thank Goodness It's Friday

This was one of those weeks I thought would never end. In these critical financial times, living paycheck to paycheck is becoming more common. That not quite happy look I get when I look at my ATM receipt is no longer unique. I am really hoping that with the lowered gas prices and merchants almost giving away items in an effort to get out of the red, that maybe us little folks are finally getting a little bit of breathing room. Maybe the economy is on the road to recovery. And just maybe, the tide is changing in a positive direction enough so that I'll actually have some money in the bank before I get my paycheck on Friday!

Progress is Always Change

Whether you are African American, Caucasion, Asian/Pacific Islander or any of the other wonderful variations that make up humankind, this week should be one of rejoicing. In the overwhelming majority vote inducting Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America, this country has taken a long overdue step towards healing the wounds of the racism and oppression that is engraved in its history. That said, I have to be realistic and accept that there are those Americans who went out and voted, not on the issues, but strictly based on color lines. There are those of limited mindsets who were of the belief that due to Obama's African lineage he was less than worthy of helping to lead this nation to recovery. There are still others who believe that he is the acception to the rule based on his multicultural upbringing. Wherever you stand, know this - our country is facing unprecedented woes and it will take a united focus and determination to even begin making strides towards becoming yet again a financially sound, powerful nation. This nation, for all its flaws can only progess if we focus on the issues and the solutions that bond us versus the things that make us different from one another.